On the fear of the forever funk.

Whenever I leave my house to go absolutely anywhere – even to Wawa in my pajamas for a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread – the following exquisite scene from an equally amazing film plays over and over in my head, soundtrack included:

Maybe it is because of the crippling disappointment I experience when reality does not match nor even meet my expectations that I haven’t really left the house, or found a reason to get dressed or style my hair for a couple of days.  These are the dog days of summer and no one particularly feels like doing much of anything, but I worry when these moments of complete lethargy and absolute disinterest stretch into a day and then a week.  Everyone experiences these so-called “funks,” but most snap out of it eventually.  I have definitely slipped into a funk that has been going on for what feels like months.  I have been avoiding social interactions, sleeping more, gaining weight, and going from one set of pajamas to another.  I know I recently wrote about how liberating it can be to wake up with an absolutely clear schedule, but after a while, it becomes tiresome. 

I think my apathetic nature will be eradicated once the school year starts, but what if it is only yet another instance of reality falling short of the expectations of a wildly romantic writer?  I thought my life would change in high school; it didn’t, so I thought college would make all the difference.  Everything remained the same, so the key to an exciting and fulfilling life must be in a full-time teaching job.  I acquired the job and am still restless.  Even when my novel was published, it did not inspire the instantaneous and dramatic change I thought it would.  Do I need to lower my expectations?  It seems a simple enough solution, but won’t doing so also eliminate that wonderfully dreamy aspect of my nature that allows to me create and – hopefully- inspire?  I think the real answer is not to depend on change for happiness, though it is a consistent aspect of our lives.

That being said, do I believe one hundred people will show up at my upcoming author events?  No, not exactly; I will be obviously devastated if not a soul shows up, but I know I will be equally as devastated if no romance comes of it.  I don’t limit the meaning of romance to a chance encounter with a handsome stranger – I’m talking about all kinds of romance, like there’s a large portion of the crowd that attends with a battered copy of my novel clutched in their hands, eager for me to sign it because they really did love the story that much.

I started this blog to narrate my writing life and what I have discovered is that my “writing life” is my life; they cannot be separated.  I am still determining whether or not this is a good thing.

I remembered my earlier promise of trying to accentuate the positive, so here it goes: I have an author talk/book signing event at the Manchester Branch of the Ocean County Library on October 15, 2013!  The event should begin around 7:00PM.  I am waiting on confirmation from the program coordinator, but so far, all systems are go! Smile  I hope to see some of you there.

Stay golden. xoxo

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mandileighbean

I'm a published author - my novel HER BEAUTIFUL MONSTER was published in October of 2012 by Martin Sisters Publishing. I'm working on revising my second manuscript so it can also be published.

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